This year has been a change in everything. in outlook, in passions, in morals, in personality. If you met me at the beginning of the year, you could say nothing could knock me down. i had so many things keeping me strong and confident. I couldn’t be happier. But life has it’s ways of teaching you things. May not be the best of teaching you it but you know. you still learn it even if you’re feeling like shit about it for seven months after.
The last and this year has taught me a lot about being mature and being a responsible person since turning 17-18. I’ve learnt the value of having someone who can accept you, for your past, and your demons, and those silly stupid little phases we go through. The value of being honest, and upfront and actually listening, and keeping silent when i need to.
And sometimes being the nice guy gets you used and robbed.
Well that’s at least in outlook, Passions is a little different.
I love photography, when i was 15 i used to always take photos of my friends and mates because i loved it. now i won’t touch my camera for days. why? because i feel like any photo i take now since studying at cpit isn’t up to mark. i loved not caring that something was shit or not, or if it had a fucking message behind. WHAT HAPPENED TO I TOOK THE PHOTO CAUSE I BLOODY FUCKING WELL WANTED TO! HUH?
I’m now so bogged down with self doubt that i won’t take photos. I’ve been trying to not go to course cause I’ve seen this doing this to me since the beginning of this year. Now i’m just trying to forget everything course taught me and let my mind be free to think and feel without these “rules” to control it.
Accident is the best invention. teaching the same thing stops that cause you get into this “safe” place where things are familiar and normal and what you’re used to. China For example, when they made there “china” (the pottery stuff) they didn’t bother to replace it cause they were used to it and didn’t change it where as England made glass and overtook them in technology because one thing stopped them. they got used to life. don’t get me wrong, there are some basic things you have to know before you do things but tell someone there idea is silly or werid or not interesting? IT’S CALLED ART MOTHERFUCKER DEAL WITH IT
I hate Dubstep, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t skill, Talent or passion behind it, nor with “Rap”, yes sometimes i go “ummm okay?” but it is what makes them happy and BY JONES LET THEM BE HAPPY AND STAY OUT OF THERE LIFES CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
They probably don’t care about what you think of them. cause you know why? Their happy. and they couldn’t get a fuss.
When I started holding a camera for the first time, it was an simple little plastic film point and shoot. I never thought of if it as it having to look nice or worth going wow over an image or worrying about the look the idea or the story or anything else.. it was just a memory for me, a memory i enjoyed or wanted to remember. i remember the shitty looking over and underexposed images that were out of focus. But I loved them because I could remember each little moment of the picture. one of them was a picture of bambam (our bichon) when we first got him, it’s been about 7 years now and he’s changed so much but that image hasn’t changed. i can look back and see something in time that i can’t do myself unless i have an amazing memory.
Now after year 10 photography and working as a photographer and studying Photography at Cpit. I feel like i don’t get this passion anymore. I’ve forgotten how to enjoy a photo for how it is. a memory. My mind is filled with shit that DOESN’T EVEN MATTER! Only other photographers do! i sit at a computer desk day in and out editing images for a week after a event that could be only 4 hours long and what for? My personal enjoyment? WHAT AM I ENJOYING OF THIS!?
When i give the photos to the person they only see what they see. A memory and they can enjoy that moment and they get happy from it. But what about us photographers? we see hard hours at a computer, money lost on gear which can cost over 3000 dollars on just for one thing, time lost with family due to being at a computer.
THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED WHEN I SAID I WANT TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER!
I Wanted new experiences, new memories, and a life worth fucking being remembered. and at the moment i have 4 assignments and i know i’m going to fail. Wanna know why?
it’s cause it’s not what photography was meant to be.
even in the first era of photography with the old posed styled photos they were okay and alright. But you know what made photography Boom? Street photography. a comperitiion was held and a photo was submmitted by a photographer. it was just some little kids dancing and playing. this image won hands fucking down. the judges said the image has life had movement and energy and had a story.
what do i see when i look at my work being made for an assignment? Nothing. no story no passion no energy no nothing.
I HATE STUDYING PHOTOGRAPHY CAUSE IT”S SOMETHING IT CAN”T BE TAUGHT NOR LREANT IT”S A PASSION
Which grows and lives inside of you. and if you force it? it dies.